Jokes and Amusings

After getting Pope Benedicts entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and He doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.


'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'


'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'


'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.


'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.


Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.


'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.


Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.


The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.


'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.


The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.


'So bust him,' says the Chief.


'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.


The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'


'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.


The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


Chief: 'Governor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'


Cop: 'I think it's God!'


Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'


Cop: 'He's got the f ..ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

LMFAO @ 'I had to beat him to death with the f*cking chair!'

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with
the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who
had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are
waiting for?'

She answered



'THE TEETH.'

LMAO valegirl that is great

Glad you liked it Trudi

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Let's see what you bought?'

Thats hilarious lol!

gosh this is wicked.... i hope i dont marry someone who finds this funny..

ok so this is a game WOULD YOU RATHER

(i didnt know where to post it it is from my glamor magazine)

(His Body)

too pale or too tanned
62% said too pale

bald below or trouser forest?
51% said trouser forest

circumcised or not?
60% said not

unzip him to find a pencil or a button mushroom?
60% said a pencil
(tam no need to ansew this one we know u like button mushroom )

spots on his face or arse?
66% said arse

sleep with a chubby man or a skinny man?
58% said skinny

WHO IS JACK SCHITT
>
> For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
> ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt?!'
> Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
> intellectual way.
>
> Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
> magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
> had one son, Jack.
>
> In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
> produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
> Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
>
> Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
> school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
> divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
> were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
> then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
>
> Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
> a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
> children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
> childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
> ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
> Schitt-Happens
> nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse
>
> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
> returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
>
> Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
> them.
> Sincerely,
>
> Crock O. Schitt

lmao Ursula!

My boss sent me that in an email, I thought it was very good!!!

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/793190/teen-paints-18m-penis-on-parents-roof


A British teenager who painted an 18-metre penis on the roof of his parents' $2 million mansion has been 'exposed' one year after he completed the mischievous artwork.




Rory McInnes, 18, took his inspiration from the Cerne Abbas Giant fertility symbol in Dorset and decided to make his family's Berkshire home stick out, The Sun reports.

Armed with a tin of paint last year, he climbed onto the newly completed roof of his parents' Berkshire house and painted the mammoth appendage, hoping the house would stand out on web-based satellite software.

But 12 months later his cover was blown when a helicopter pilot began flying passengers over the residence to take photos.

Parents Andy and Clare McInnes were shocked when they were contacted about their adorned roof.

"There’s no way there’s a 60ft (18m) phallus on top of my house," Mr McInnes was quoted as saying.

Mrs McInnes, 49, was more concerned about the Cerne Abbas symbol. Couples often have sex near the symbol in the hope of conceiving.

"We don’t want any more children, so the idea of sleeping under a giant fertility symbol is rather worrying," she said.

Rory, who is currently in Brazil, will be removing his painting when he arrives home, according to his parents.








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LMAO i saw that on the sun website yesterday well funny i was LMAO