Re: Jokes and Amusings

tammerz · by tammerz on Mon Dec 08, 2008 12:44 am

A married man left work early one Friday, but instead of going home, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a few of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer. 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?'.....

The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, 'That would suit me just fine!!'

Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could just see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
]

tammerz · by tammerz on Mon Dec 08, 2008 12:47 am

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and
a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had
just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a
female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a
terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that
she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was
leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She
decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the
hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her
trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary
from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the
corridor and asked about her husband's condition.

The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished
your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While
you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as
well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely
the last shoppin
g trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will
require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Let's see what you bought?'

valegirl46 · by valegirl46 on Mon Dec 08, 2008 9:47 am

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Let's see what you bought?'

Thats hilarious lol!

yazami · by yazami on Tue Dec 09, 2008 11:24 am

gosh this is wicked.... i hope i dont marry someone who finds this funny.. Shocked

Mrs James Toseland · by Mrs James Toseland on Thu Dec 25, 2008 9:32 pm

ok so this is a game WOULD YOU RATHER

(i didnt know where to post it it is from my glamor magazine)

(His Body)

too pale or too tanned
62% said too pale

bald below or trouser forest?
51% said trouser forest

circumcised or not?
60% said not

unzip him to find a pencil or a button mushroom?
60% said a pencil
(tam no need to ansew this one we know u like button mushroom )

spots on his face or arse?
66% said arse

sleep with a chubby man or a skinny man?
58% said skinny

tammerz · by tammerz on Thu Dec 25, 2008 11:03 pm

button mushrooms are fine if its the diameter of a tuna can

Mrs James Toseland · by Mrs James Toseland on Sat Jan 17, 2009 1:18 am

tammerz · by tammerz on Mon Jan 19, 2009 2:05 am

She was standing in the kitchen
Preparing to boil eggs for breakfast,
Wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake,
She turned and said softly,
'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought,
'I am either still dreaming or
This is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all;
Right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
'T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

valegirl46 · by valegirl46 on Tue Jan 20, 2009 9:49 am

WHO IS JACK SCHITT
>
> For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find
> ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt?!'
> Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
> intellectual way.
>
> Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
> magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They
> had one son, Jack.
>
> In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
> produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull
> Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
>
> Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
> school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
> divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids
> were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was
> then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
>
> Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
> a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six
> children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout
> childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
> ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
> Schitt-Happens
> nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse
>
> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
> returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
>
> Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
> them.
> Sincerely,
>
> Crock O. Schitt

tammerz · by tammerz on Tue Jan 20, 2009 10:54 am

lmao Ursula!

valegirl46 · by valegirl46 on Wed Jan 21, 2009 9:52 am

My boss sent me that in an email, I thought it was very good!!!

tassiedevil · by tassiedevil on Wed Mar 25, 2009 3:54 am

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/world/793190/teen-paints-18m-penis-on-parents-roof

A British teenager who painted an 18-metre penis on the roof of his parents' $2 million mansion has been 'exposed' one year after he completed the mischievous artwork.

Rory McInnes, 18, took his inspiration from the Cerne Abbas Giant fertility symbol in Dorset and decided to make his family's Berkshire home stick out, The Sun reports.

Armed with a tin of paint last year, he climbed onto the newly completed roof of his parents' Berkshire house and painted the mammoth appendage, hoping the house would stand out on web-based satellite software.

But 12 months later his cover was blown when a helicopter pilot began flying passengers over the residence to take photos.

Parents Andy and Clare McInnes were shocked when they were contacted about their adorned roof.

"There’s no way there’s a 60ft (18m) phallus on top of my house," Mr McInnes was quoted as saying.

Mrs McInnes, 49, was more concerned about the Cerne Abbas symbol. Couples often have sex near the symbol in the hope of conceiving.

"We don’t want any more children, so the idea of sleeping under a giant fertility symbol is rather worrying," she said.

Rory, who is currently in Brazil, will be removing his painting when he arrives home, according to his parents.

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Mrs James Toseland · by Mrs James Toseland on Wed Mar 25, 2009 9:02 am

LMAO i saw that on the sun website yesterday well funny i was LMAO