Jokes and Amusings

hehehe neither would I I am way too nice to do that, or should I say I am a right sucker It was a joke my sis sent me

A blonde goes to the doctor and complains that wherever on her body that she touches hurts.
The doctor diagnoses a broken finger.

LOL @ ^^ i remember a blonde and brunette joke..

A blonde and brunette jumped from the top of the building at the same time!! who will hit the ground first???
ans: brunette.. coz blonde stopped to ask for directions...

A blonde and brunette jumped from the top of the building at the same time!! who will hit the ground first???
ans: both! simple physics! LOL

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards... The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father." The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many." The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way." The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar

ah! kids and their innocence!! i like it!! i have a forward mail.. gotto search.. will post once i find it!! LOL

Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my
> lunch,
> grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook
> the boat up to
> the truck,and proceeded to back out into a torrential
> downpour.
>
> The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the
> garage,
> turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would
> be bad
> throughout the day.
>
> I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
> back
> into bed.
>
> There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
> different
> anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is
> terrible.'
>
> My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe
> my stupid
> husband is out fishing in that mess?'
>
> I still don't know to this day if she was just joking,
> but I
> have quit fishing.

U.S. Tax System explained in Beer

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every
day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the
owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers,' he
said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. 'Drinks for
the ten now cost just $80.The group still wanted to pay their bill the way
we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still
drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his
'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they
subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth
man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner
suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the
same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100%savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 ( 22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued
to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to
compare their savings.

'I only got a dollar out of the $20,' declared the sixth man. He pointed to
the tenth man,' but he got $10! ''Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man.
'I only saved a dollar, too.. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!
''That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back
when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!

''Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get
anything at all. The system exploits the poor!
'The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man (the richest) didn't show up for drinks,
so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came
time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They
didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how
our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the
most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for
being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they
might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were
3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and
handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent
said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'


The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room..
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,
'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said,
'You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another..
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to beat him to death with the f*cking chair!'

Balls (as fired from Cannon)

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.
Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence, Brass Monkeys.
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.
Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, you thought that was just a vulgar expression, didn't you? You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few uneducated friends.

After getting Pope Benedicts entire luggage loaded into the limo, (and He doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.


'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'


'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'


'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.


'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.


Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.


'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.


Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.


The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.


'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.


The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.


'So bust him,' says the Chief.


'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.


The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'


'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.


The Chief then asked, 'Who ya got there, the Mayor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


Chief: 'Governor?'


Cop: 'Bigger.'


'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'


Cop: 'I think it's God!'


Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'


Cop: 'He's got the f ..ing Pope as a chauffeur!'

LMFAO @ 'I had to beat him to death with the f*cking chair!'

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used
to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with
the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who
had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are
waiting for?'

She answered



'THE TEETH.'

LMAO valegirl that is great

Glad you liked it Trudi